When the hurly-burly's done, when the battle's lost and won

Happy Birthday Bryan! All the best for the rest of the year!








What form of prayer can serve my turn? "Forgive me my foul murder?" That cannot be, since I am still possess'd of those effects for which I did the murder.

May one be pardoned and retain th'offence?

Words without thoughts never to heaven go.

Things to think about. It's remarkable, finding stuff that strikes even late in a dreamy afternoon.

Some quiet time at last. I've been quite busy over the past two days. On Friday I went to Deyi secondary to adjudicate the JG Debating Championships. I had just begun to watch what seemed like a promising debate between RI and SCGS, when Mark Gabriel came and told me Room 10 was missing a judge and he needed me there. So it was good in a sense that I went from being a shadow adjudicator to being a full one. Lots of other people got swapped around, I later learnt.

Then came the hard part. Room 10 was one of the C Division rooms. At secondary school debating level, teams are organised into A, B or C divisions. This is not based on age, as in sports, but rather on quality. So it was a pretty agonising evening for me having sit through three C div debates. It was pretty much like hearing two people adamantly restating their stands over and over again, taking no trouble at all to explain why the other side was wrong. If they did explain it was in one-liners. The first round was a clear win by the Prop, so that was easier to judge. But the next two rounds were extremely close, and that makes judging debates so difficult. It's worse when the arguments are bad. And also if you haven't eaten dinner. We had no time to eat because the round started at 6. By the third debate I was just wishing the whole thing to end.

But it was a good experience overall. No matter how painful it was, I found adjudicating to be quite fun. I'm looking forward to the next round. Hopefully I'll be judging a better division.

Yesterday I went to NUS early in the morning for the Singapore Forum on Politics. It was really long, but there were interesting speakers thankfully, who raised very provocative points. Like how Singapore cannot survive in the long run without political choice.

Well, Week 9 beckons. It's high time I try to catch up on my work. I either just can't find the time or energy to start...

BrokeBack Void Deck

I was shocked by the news delivered by our principal today. Firstly, the case of the intimidation of a couple of ACS(I) boys by J2s believed to come from SAS. I was just sitting through that announcement stunned, terribly ashamed of my alma mater. Yes, I have my own strong opinions about the AC family of schools but I think it's absolutely low-down and crass to have to resort to intimidation to scare someone off. What kind of image are these people projecting of the school?? The whole thing just backfires. Here you are trying to frighten two AC boys into submission, on the supposed grounds that you can't stand their school for various reasons, oblivious to the fact that that very act of intimidation speaks worse of your own school. Let inter-school rivalry remain on the rugby pitch, within examination halls, competitions, and the usual chit chat between friends. Threats of violence do no good to anyone.

Something is inherently wrong with the culture of SAS if it consistently produces such cases. I walk into Macs and I see hooligans. The street soccer court teems with unruly "Saints". Such bitter irony. I've always thought that the label "Saint" was a keen double-edged sword. Assuming such a noble title must require a certain level of decorum, the slightest failure of which stains that name. Maybe Saint is too good a title to confer on any student, regardless of institution.

If my alma mater makes me want to hide my face, my current school couldn't do worse. Two guys making out! In a HDB void deck! What unspeakable flames of passion and perverted lust must have compelled, nay, driven them to carry out such gross displays of affection in public. And I'm speaking with religious convictions aside. The thought of any couple, gay or straight, petting and kissing in public in their school uniforms is quite sickening, when looked from thr perspective of an outsider of the school.

And yet for all this, I still have a bond of loyalty to the school. But loyalty must come with a qualitative statement, like Mary. I cannot love the school. I can only love it, or be proud of it, in spite of all this. Such is the allure of the underdog. Saint Andrew's has always carried a rather romantic and tragic quality in my eyes. It has the collapsed grandeur of an institution that has fallen from greater glory onto hard times, since it once rivalled Raffles, long long ago. And this diminished stature adds greater glory to those moments in which the school rises to the occasion, when it manages to trounce its rivals. That, at least, is how I see the school. Ha, such idealistic notions of grandeur...

I'm going to adjudicate at the Julia Gabriel Debating Championships tomorrow! Or at least, to shadow adjudicate. It will be a paltry compensation, I think, for actual debating.

Who would fardels bear?

I want to go to King's College London! They have this lovely Lit course that works with the Globe Theatre! The Globe! And next month one of their professors is releasing the edition of Hamlet! I think we should just put Hamlet on hold and ask Mr Smith to move on to Macbeth first while we wait for the definitive version, haha. Argh... London is sooo tempting. But it's sooo expensive! 10 to 11000 POUNDS PER ANNUM. That works out to around 30 000 Sing dollars per year. And that's just the tuition fees. Living costs are around 8000 pounds. So if you do the math, studying in London for a three year course should run up to nearly 180 000 Sing dollars. NUS looks dismally dreary, small, local and unglamarous after today...

In other news, another member of the PAP Old Guard has died. I've edited out my following comment for fear of recrimination. The perils of living in Singapore...

Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troubles, and by opposing end them.

This morning as I opened my devotional material to do quiet time I was struck by the verse given for the day's reading. Jesus Christ is the same yesterday, today and forever. I must have seen that verse a thousand times before, memorised it and quoted it here and there. But this morning it just struck me again as being so beautiful, so firm, so assuring, like an unshakeable Rock on which to build your life on. I think it ties in with what I've been thinking about since Sunday, when my pastor said, "Those who fear God have no need to fear anyone else." I've been either so people-centred or self-centred I've lost track of what should be my true and main focus. I need to come back to that.

I've come to the realisation that Block Test 1 is less than a month away and I'm terribly unprepared. I need to kick myself out of this lethargy and get back into studying full scale. I musn't make the mistake I made in my Sec 4 year, when I lazed away and allowed my complacency to get a hold of me. I have a problem. Whenever I do well in something, or relatively well in something, I always rest on my laurels. And that allowed so many people to overtake me in studies in Sec 4. I can't let that happen again this time round. I can convince and reassure myself that I wasn't doing the right subjects back in secondary school, that I simply wasn't suited to maths and the sciences, and therefore my lacklustre grades were due to that. I can do that. I have done that. But I know also that my laziness and inability to kick myself into action accounted for part of the results too. Well, I can't kid myself any longer. I am now in the Arts Faculty, doing the subjects I've always loved. I can't blame anything or anyone but myself if I fail to deliver the grades at the A Levels. Goals and expectations must be realistic, yes, and I don't think I'll be terribly disappointed if i don't get straight As, provided I know I did my best. And therein lies the crunch, you see. Provided I know I did my best. I don't want to walk away from the A Levels feeling like I did after I got my O Level results, that feeling that I could have done better in such and such a subject if only I worked harder.

Whew, that's a lot of rhetoric coming out of me just before BT1. And it's only BT1 if you think about it. What would I say come prelims? And...I don't know if I can live up to my own expectations. I will just pray that God will give me the discipline to buckle down to my books. And who am I studying for anyway? I've seen many people counsel students to study for themselves. "Don't study for your parents or teachers. Think of it as though you're studying for your future." But aren't we supposed to study for God's glory? Jayce once made an interesting comment in cell. She said that even if she did well for a test, she wouldn't feel satisfied if she knew that she hadn't studied for it for God's glory. I confess that I cannot say the same. When I say I'm going to study for God's glory it's a euphemistic way of saying I'm going to study real hard, banking on my own strength, and if I do well and it happens to reflect well on God, whoopy day. When I get back good grades all too often my mind doesn't immediately thank God, until much later. It's often concerned with, who did I beat? How did I do it? Good job, Joel, for doing so well, give yourself a pat on the back...

I feel like such a hypocrite. I suppose studying for God means even when you're feeling down and tired, like you simply can't go on, you look up and see that what you're doing is all worthwhile when you realise that you have pleased the One you were created to please. CS Lewis put it so eloquently when he said that Heaven is when the redeemed soul learns, beyond all hope and beyond all belief, that she has finally managed to please Him whom she was created to please.

I'm so tired. It's been a long day. And each time I'm tired or irritated I snap at people very easily. Something else to work on...

Anyway, to end this post, I found Jael's name in the Bible and learnt that her namesake was the woman who drove a tent-peg through the forehead of an enemy general who was attacking the Israelites. Such vicious women we have in class...

Vicks: Circumlocution! What a wonderful word! But I think to have said "pride" directly would have been a severe leap in logic. And it wouldn't have allowed me to express my true thoughts. Circumlocution! Such marvelous words you come up with. I love the word "verbose". It sounds so verbal, haha. And circumlocution sounds like a locomotive going round a circumference.

I read someone's blog and realised how much Valentine's Day meant to some people. And I haven't blogged about it either. Nothing much to say, just that I'm glad the DJ booth in the caf is finally gone and the loud music has ceased. One good thing about Friendship Week was the conspicuous absence of J1s for the first half of the week. It was nice to have the caf all to ourselves. Quiet, empty, spacious. I think the school should just let all of them go home till their posting results are released. No sense in them taking up space for these two weeks.

Haha, I think I sound like a J1 hater. But there are some nice ones among them, and I'm glad so many of my cell members are joining the school. So now Elohim's presence in school will grow to about nine or ten people. Good good. Nice seeing friendly faces from church around.

I'm quite glad the weekend is here. But tomorrow I still have to do CIP work in the morning.... And, I think I seriously need to catch up on my econs. To my horror the latest topic is surprisingly mathematical, what with formulas and algebra... And the whole thing seems one unmanageable chunk. Time to chip away at the mountain.


You have chosen the Evening; but my love is given to the Morning. And my heart forebodes that soon it will pass away forever.

There is something within human nature that innately connects with the underdog. We all root for it, hope that it succeeds against all odds. Witness how most of the bestselling movies or books often revolve around underdogs and their rags-to-riches stories. Somehow, we feel bonded with the perceived "loser". Perhaps a brief glimpse of inner insecurity?

I found a strange clash of emotions within me today as I looked at the students from my alma mater. I must admit that many a time I have felt ashamed by them. I've wished the school produced more A1s and less gangsters. And yet, I cannot forsake it, nor can I stop feeling a sense of pride of having come from there, or whenever a victory is announced. When I moved into the JC, this strange mixture of pride and underdoggedness continued. I suppose the feeling of pride I get whenever we stand up to the so-called elite schools stems from this desire to be the best, or the knowledge that somehow, we can beat the best. Perhaps society has so honed into me this sense of egalitarianism that I cannot help but sneer at the elite. There is somewhat of the socialist within me. Equality should be the proper way of life.

And yet, when I look again, I also acknowledge the pleasure gained from looking down on others. The concept of an egalitarian, meritocratic society is perhaps an oxymoron. So all at once I desire to be the elite, and yet disdain the elite.

I think the conclusion of the whole matter is pride. And you know what, I think that whole chunk of round-about thinking above was just a complicated way of looking at a rather straightforward matter from the beginning. Sheesh.


Adri: Hi! When you come back, you should sit in and watch us give you the most organised prep time you've ever seen from our team, haha.

Owen: Ha, forced into retirement. That's a nice way of putting it. They didn't give us any golden handshake though.

These are the days of slumber

I was thinking as I went home: If the world was perfect, and all we ever knew was beauty, would we still call it beauty? Does beauty require some knowledge of ugliness to be beautiful? No doubt beauty in itself is absolute and good, since ugliness is but distorted beauty, but would we recognise beauty, having never known the other side? Questions to think about.

The whole day seemed to revolve around hard questions. From the opening debate in the morning over a source-based question on history, to the mind numbing lecture in econs in the afternoon, everything seemed to test our patience and strectch our brains. Or at least mine. I was exhausted by the end of the econs lecture, which was absolutely dreadful. We had a mind-boggling discussion about GP in the discussion room in the library, then another round of analysis into the nuances of a dark and morbid poem in lit. It's enough to make me sleep.

I don't know why, but I've been feeling so sleepy these few days. I've never known myself to feel sleepy during lectures or tutorials so frequently. I practically fell asleep in front of Mr Smith on Monday, haha. Anyway, I think a good afternoon nap today will refresh me for the evening, and hopefully tomorrow.

Swansong

Two days ago, on the 11th of February 2006, my debating career at JC level officially came to an end. We never made it past the preliminary rounds of the NUS Challenge Shields. We won one out of three, and lost the other two by a very small margin of about one point. SA never seems to win in split decisions.

I guess one never knows how much something means to you until it's gone. A few weeks ago I was complaining about the workload and about how debating didn't seem so fun anymore. I was wrong. I relished every single moment spent on the floor on Saturday. If I can take one thing away from the challenge shields, it is this: the knowledge that we gave it our best, and that each of the three rounds was a good, solid debate. The very fact that they were close debates testifies to the defence we put up. We ARE on par with the very best. Did we not show that last year during the national championships? And this precisely makes defeat so bitter: Knowing that you are just as good as your opponents, and seeing victory slip away only because of technicalities.

It is an established fact that debating is a subjective sport. Every debate is a circle, a balance of finely weighed arguments. Even as this phase of my life dies down another begins. Now I will move on to another level: adjudicating debates. That may prove potentially tortuous.



Sometimes when I have a free moment I stop to think about certain things that stir up within me anger and impatience. And I wonder then if it is all worth it. Of all the things in the world to get angry at.

I wish I could just let go and release my cares and anger more freely.

Happy Birthday Dai Wei! oh, he doesn't read my blog anyway... But who cares... I'll tell him soon then.

We celebrated Dai Wei's birthday at Fish n Co. last night. There was an in-house singer and we dedicated a birthday song to him, haha. It was a good way to end the day, especially since yesterday was really long. While everyone else went for various history makeups I was debating with HCI. Messy, close debate. Now we know how to attack a prop's policy case better. Oh well, I'll keep my fingers crossed till Saturday.

I feel tired. I realised during Econs lecture today that I needed to start revising my econs again. Haven't been reading the notes.

I've been reminded recently of what I went through last year, and I'm thankful that God saw and brought me through it. What's more, much good came out of it. Humans have terrible memories. To think God can repeatedly bring you through various trials and tribulations, only to have us waver and shirk back the minute another problem pops up. I wonder how many countless times I've been guilty of that. How great is the patience of God!

I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help.

We had our first s paper training session today. Mr Smith, that inimitable patron of speech, was almost sleep-inducing. But not quite. He provoked some interesting thoughts. I think s paper training is going to be rather interesting. The questions are so broad and general that they require lots of higher order thinking skills, and I quite relish the challenge. This is me now. Give me a month and I'll probably be on my knees crawling about, crying for sleep and release from work. I'll really have to pray for perserverance and strength.

At least the texts are, well, texts. I think as I do more and more Lit, I begin to appreciate the subject more. I cannot possibly imagine myself doing a science course now. How could I even have contemplated it in the beginning? Biology was my favourite science subject, and that was only because all I had to do was to regurgitate notes. I can't do that now, not with any subject. And frankly, I much prefer this sort of thinking.

I realised today that that famous quote, "frailty, thy name is woman", came from Hamlet! Interesting stuff. Our latest lit text also seems intriguing thus far. At last, a return to prose, after a year of poetry.

Ha, I wonder why I'm feeling so literary now. Should go continue reading Hamlet, or Silas Marner. Oh, maybe Top Girls! Now that's a provocative text...

I need to go immerse myself in some good fiction book again. Something that might recapture my imagination for a while, and send me fleeing through wild and dangerous landscapes, battling with monstrous beasts, riding free over green fields. A pity most fantasy fiction is trash.

Solitude is not necessarily loneliness. That was something John brought to my attention recently. Perhaps I should seek solitude sometime soon.

Letting go

I had a terrible morning fretting over spars. I mixed up our spar dates with HCI, and I went completely crazed with worry over arrangements made in advance. Then I realised the actual spar date clashes with History makeup. But that can be easily resolved...

You know what, I'm beginning to accept that I'm neurotic. Now I sound like one of those silly urban Americans who spend half their time visiting their shrinks. I can't help it. I'm a control freak, and when things get out of my control, I can't stop obsessing over them. So I guess my neurosis stems from a controlling nature. I guess I need to learn how to let go. What an outcome. That's a day's work of psychoanalysis done...

Some people find it so amusing when I roll my eyes. I wonder when I learned to. I don't think it's a good habit. Reeks of bitchiness. Oh, but it does help to make a point, visually.

I just realised why I feel so comfortable writing. That's when I'm in full control over what I say. My thoughts can be crafted to fit the occassion as I want them to, without outside interference. I guess writing, and in this case blogging, is a kind of stress reliever. How funny.

I have no idea how the rest of the day is going to turn out. I'm going to pray and trust God. I was reminded today that worry is a sin. Most people don't realise that, but essentially worry means you don't trust God. That's food for thought, because in my case I worry very frequently.

It seems as though I'll never see my tagboard again. You may be able to see it, but I can't. So this is an appeal to everyone: PLEASE COMMENT THROUGH THE COMMENTS PAGE. DON'T USE THE TAGBOARD TILL FURTHER NOTICE.

If I have time, a precious commodity, I will try and fix this problem.

End of the week coming. Tomorrow will be a hectic mad rush going here and there for training. Some people think its funny using the word training for debates. I suppose it connotes images of sports people in action. My sport involves the jaw muscles, vocal cords, and brain power.

We had a good time after school today talking in macs. Mr Yoong made a last minute cancellation of this history lecture! Dreams are made of these, and lo, our little life is rounded with a sleep. And so, I leave you.